


Maybe I Can Learn How To Love (Like You)

by SaltyServal



Series: SakuAtsu Angst Week 2021 [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Miya Atsumu, SakuAtsu Angst Week 2021, how the turns have tabled, sad sakusa kiyoomi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 08:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30119706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyServal/pseuds/SaltyServal
Summary: He was the flame, and Kiyoomi was the shadow. He lived for Atsumu’s warmth, for his fire, for his passion.But he couldn’t keep it.“I think we should break off the engagement.” Kiyoomi’s voice was heavy, weighed down by pain. Atsumu’s breath caught in his throat; Kiyoomi could hear him gasp, the inhale so sharp it pierced his skull and heart. He stared at Kiyoomi, gapping slightly. Kiyoomi could feel his heart breaking.ORKiyoomi has second thoughts about his engagement with Atsumu.But he can’t let go.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: SakuAtsu Angst Week 2021 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2205345
Comments: 1
Kudos: 70
Collections: SakuAtsuAngstWeek





	Maybe I Can Learn How To Love (Like You)

**Author's Note:**

> Day Eight: insecurities

Sakusa Kiyoomi had many fears.

It was not a secret he had germaphobia. He was steadily recovering from it after years of therapy, but the lingering remnants would haunt him forever. He still flinched at the touch of the stranger, he still stayed away from group hugs. 

But strangely, that wasn’t his greatest fear.

If someone were to ask him what he was most afraid of in the entire world, they would expect him to say germs or diseases or something along those lines. That he would live up to his germaphobic nature. 

But Kiyoomi would have to say it was not being enough.

All his life, he felt he had standards he had to live up to. Things he had to accomplish. A person he had to be. Kiyoomi didn’t know why he felt this way. His parents never pushed him outside of his limits. No one had.

Perhaps that is why he had this fear. Because he didn’t know his limits. He didn’t know what everyone wanted. 

And it showed around those he loved.

He looked at Miya Atsumu, for example, and wondered why he loved him. Why Atsumu would choose to stay with him. He was nothing like the exuberant blonde.

Where Atsumu was extroverted, Kiyoomi was introverted. Where Atsumu was charismatic, Kiyoomi was closed off. Where Atsumu was carefree, Kiyoomi felt he had to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

It confused Kiyoomi to no end. His self-doubt threatened to consume him, despite every whispered “I love you.” Despite every little promise every morning, every night. Kiyoomi didn’t know how Atsumu could love someone like him. 

And it got worse when he proposed.

It should have been a joyful moment, one that Kiyoomi found solace in. To know that Atsumu loved him enough to spend the rest of his life with him. But his traitorous mind said he was lying, just pretending to care. 

The more Kiyoomi pondered it, the more clear it became. Atsumu couldn’t marry him. It wouldn’t be fair to tie him down to someone like him. Someone who struggled with mysophobia. Someone who needed extra care, extra attention. 

Atsumu couldn’t love him. It was a lie. He had no idea why he even bothered lying about it. What did he have to gain? Was it just amusing to see his insecurities bleed through? It was like an open cut, one that could never heal and continued to dribble out crimson liquid, a little more of his soul lost each day. 

He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t go through with the wedding. No matter how much he loved Atsumu, there was no world where the setter loved him back. 

Kiyoomi rose early on the day he had chosen to do it. He wanted to take in this apartment for the last time. He would be gone by noon, should things work out as he had predicted them to. 

He watched the coffeemaker in silence. The coco liquid drizzled down into his cup. Steam rose from it. Kiyoomi stared numbly, his heart hammering in his chest. Atsumu would wake up soon. He was an early riser, and Kiyoomi rarely beat him when it came to waking up. 

Which is why Atsumu would immediately know there was something wrong. 

“Omi?” On cue, the setter’s voice floated through the apartment. Kiyoomi stiffened slightly. He peered up. Atsumu’s hair was disheveled slightly, and he yawned, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He shuffled forward, almost instantly sitting down at the counter in the kitchen. “Why’re ya up so early? Wanted ta cuddle.” 

His heart twisted again. 

“Atsumu.” Kiyoomi said slowly, his eyes averted. He could feel his heart beating faster, anxiety catching up with him. Kiyoomi slid into the seat at their counter next to his fiancé, reaching for his hand. The engagement ring grinned up at him, the diamond mocking him cruelly. Daring him to give up and stay. 

But he couldn’t. This was for Atsumu’s shake, for his sake, for both of them.  _ It would be better this way.  _

“Love, talk to me.” Atsumu said quietly. “What’s on your mind?” Kiyoomi studied him for a moment. The sun was just peeking through the blinds. The orange glow painted Atsumu in a warm light, making him stand out even more in all his beauty. The way his hair shone, the sparkle in his eyes. He radiated warmth.

He was the flame, and Kiyoomi was the shadow. He lived for Atsumu’s warmth, for his fire, for his passion. 

But he couldn’t keep it. 

“I think we should break off the engagement.” Kiyoomi’s voice was heavy, weighed down by pain. Atsumu’s breath caught in his throat; Kiyoomi could hear him gasp, the inhale so sharp it pierced his skull and heart. He stared at Kiyoomi, gapping slightly. Kiyoomi could feel his heart breaking. 

_ Maybe he does love me.  _

Kiyoomi shook the notion off almost instantly. It couldn’t be true. He was wholly unloveable, and he had long since come to terms with it. 

“What?” Atsumu said, his voice cracking. It drew him back to reality. He tried to keep his gaze on the wall behind his soon to be ex fiancé. “Omi...” 

“Don’t. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” Kiyoomi spat. He wanted to bolt right away, but he should at least make an effort to come up with something that would keep Atsumu from coming back. Atsumu was still staring at him, confusion and hurt blatant in his gaze.

“Why are ya doing this?” Atsumu choked out. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, barely holding himself together. Kiyoomi didn’t want to see him cry. It would make all of this harder than it already was. Every instinct screamed for him to back out, to  _ stay.  _

“Because…” Kiyoomi started slowly. He forced his voice to stay steady, as the lie sprung to his head. It was horribly cruel, but it was the only thing he could do, the only thing that could keep him away forever. “I don’t love you anymore.”

Atsumu looked like he had been slapped. His eyes went wide and he drew himself up sharply. The very air itself seemed to stop, the silence between the two deafening. Kiyoomi expected him to rip off his engagement ring and run out right then and there.

But he didn’t. 

“Liar. You fucking liar.” Atsumu retorted. His lower lip was wobbling, his mask all but gone. He was upset. Kiyoomi  _ made  _ him upset. He stared blankly for a moment, trying to process his words. But all he could think was how he was the one making him cry. How he was the one wounding Atsumu. 

It was the worst feeling in the world, he decided. Seeing Atsumu on the verge of tears was always hard, and when it hurt him to this scale, to the point where he was about to sob because of Kiyoomi’s harsh words. 

“What?” He managed out, his mind still processing. Atsumu scoffed slightly. 

“Ya literally said it ta me this morning.” He replied sharply, shaking his head. Kiyoomi winced, but kept his chin up. He could not afford to break his mask, he could not afford to break down himself. Every word from Atsumu, every implied plea to stay caused his strength to crumble a little more.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t. Kiyoomi wasn’t worthy of Atsumu, and never would be. These pleas were for naught, because he made his mind up.  _ He couldn’t stay.  _

“Said what?” Kiyoomi responded dumbly. He had to keep acting, had to pretend. It would hurt less later if he could push Atsumu away. It would be best to end this all now before he got in even deeper, before Atsumu inevitably left him. 

“Stop playing dumb. Ya said ya loved me this morning.” Atsumu said, a desperate note coloring his voice. He shook his head, biting his lip. Kiyoomi watched his frantic movements, the desperation of it all.  _ He wanted him to stay. _

Kiyoomi wasn’t staying. 

“I was lying.” Kiyoomi spat back. Atsumu rolled his eyes, attempting to hide his obvious pain behind a mask of irritation. 

“No, yer lying now.” Atsumu said curtly. He crossed his arms and continued to pout. Kiyoomi thought he looked cute that way, when he took that demeanor on. Normally, he would have walked forward and kissed his nose, promising to fix things. 

Not today, not ever. This was the end. 

“You can’t prove it.” Kiyoomi hissed out through gritted teeth. 

“Fuck ya, ya know ya love me. Tell me the real reason.” Atsumu demanded. His foot was tapping against the side frantically. Kiyoomi wanted to scream in frustration. Atsumu had to make this difficult.

It wasn’t fair, how hard the universe was making this. Every sign pointed for him to say, but he knew he had to go. 

_ Right?  _

“That  _ is  _ the real reason!” Kiyoomi raised his voice. He pushed down all his doubts. This was the only path he had left. It would be for the best, it had to be. 

“Is not.” Atsumu said, his voice sounding high pitched, as if he was whining. He probably was, knowing him. Kiyoomi forced down the bittersweet smile that threatened to rise up. 

“Is so.”

“Is not.”

“Is-- I’m not arguing this anymore. I’m leaving.” Kiyoomi stood up sharply, flinging the bag he had packed last night over his shoulder. He turned toward the door, doing his best to signal that the conversation was over. That he was gone. 

“No yer not.” Atsumu said, leaping up. He blocked off the door, crossing his arms. Kiyoomi rolled his eyes, stepping back and extending his palms up.

“Yes. I am. Now move.” Kiyoomi said, trying to dart past him. Atsumu stepped forward and grabbed his shoulders, pushing him back slightly. Kiyoomi narrowed his eyes, about to say more, when Atsumu pressed a finger against his lips, shaking his head once. 

“Not until ya give me a good reason.” Atsumu said, his own eyes scrutinizing him. Looking for flaws in his facade, looking for a way in. Kiyoomi couldn’t let him do that. Not when he was so close to walking away. He feared if he stayed a moment longer, he would stay forever. 

“I already gave you one.” Kiyoomi said, trying to wriggle out of his grip. The setter held firm, raising one eyebrow skeptically. 

“But I don’t buy it.” Atsumu retorted. 

“Doesn’t make it less valid.” Kiyoomi pointed out. Atsumu shrugged. 

“It’s a lie.” He said simply. “So it doesn’t count.” 

“Atsumu, I swear to  _ God-- _ ” Kiyoomi said, his anger rising. He just wanted to run, but Atsumu wasn’t letting him. He wasn’t making this easy or fair. He could be gone by now if Atsumu would just let him go. 

“Now, Omi.” Atsumu said, his voice sharp. Kiyoomi tried to calm down. He tried to take deep breaths. But it wasn’t working. 

His resolve snapped, like a wire being cut. 

“I’m not good enough for you!” It exploded out of Kiyoomi, his temper spiking to the point where he couldn’t control it any longer. Atsumu’s brow furled in confusion. He opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off by Kiyoomi. His emotions had bled out of him, and he couldn’t stop the floor if he tried. 

“You deserve the sun and moon, Atsumu! The world should be  _ yours!  _ I can’t--I can’t give it to you. You deserve someone who can love you in the best way. I’m just some germaphobic freak who can barely hug, let alone kiss you. So I’m walking away so you can find someone to love you who can love you  _ right. _ ” Atsumu stared at him blankly. Kiyoomi could practically see the gears turning in his head. He waited for the setter to push him away, to tell him to leave.

Instead he pulled him close and kissed him. 

“Omi, has it occurred ta ya that if I didn’t love ya, I would have left by now?” Atsumu murmured when they pulled apart. Kiyoomi tilted his head. 

“No, because--” He started, a wide variety of reasons popping into his head. 

“I’m very blunt, Omi. I would have said something if I wasn’t happy.” Atsumu said wryly. Kiyoomi begrudgingly gave it to him, but it didn’t stop him from trying in vain to protest even more. 

“But--” He said halfheartedly. 

“Omi. Sakusa Kiyoomi. I love ya. I love ya, and I’m  _ not  _ leaving ya. And yer not leaving me. I want ta marry ya, and I would go through hell and back ta make sure the wedding happened.” Atsumu declared, drawing Kiyoomi close again. He kissed him again, nearly sending Kiyoomi’s mind into overdrive. 

Atsumu wanted him. He loved him for who he was. Kiyoomi smiled softly, the first tears drifting down his face. Atsumu wiped them away, smiling back. His eyes were shining with unshed tears as well as he guided him back to the couch, helping him sit down. Kiyoomi instinctively wrapped his arms around him, and Atsumu burrowed closer, resting his head on his chest. 

“So you won’t leave me?” Kiyoomi asked quietly once they settled. Atsumu laughed softly.

“I’m not going anywhere, Omi.” He said, kissing his cheek. Kiyoomi brushed some of the hair out of his forehead, pressing his own kiss against his forehead. Atsumu hummed in contentment. 

“Promise?” He asked. Atsumu nodded, and the last of his insecurities burned away. Atsumu’s fire had destroyed them, reminding him that Kiyoomi was loved, and Atsumu would not walk away. The setter intertwined their hands, still snuggling close. 

“Promise. The world is ours, and no one's gonna take away what life we’re gonna build.” Atsumu said. Kiyoomi nodded, smiling. 

-

Atsumu was right in the end. And Kiyoomi wouldn’t have it any other way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Also known as: the interlude II
> 
> Happy endings am i right 
> 
> Honestly if y’all can guess the songs I’ve been naming the fics after y’all get cookies cause I’ve been. Going ham 
> 
> Anyway thank you guys for sticking with me! Two days left!
> 
> Yes, this is inspired by “Love Like You” by Rebecca Sugar 
> 
> “I always thought I might be bad now I’m sure that it’s true; cause I think you’re so good, and I’m nothing like you.”
> 
> Stay safe out there!


End file.
